Bicycle Repair Woman
by Charles Xavier
Summary: Everyone has a secret identity...well, not everyone, but take Ritsuko for example. (Based off a Monty Python sketch).


**_Bicycle Repair Woman_**

**_By Charles Xavier_**

…

NERV Headquarters…

"Another Angel is approaching the city! We must call for the Eva pilots quickly!" Cried Makato, punching on his computer. "There may not be much more time; we have to hurry!"

Everyone in NERV was almost on the level of panicking. The Angel they were dealing with seemed most unstoppable. It had already wiped out most of their tanks and cannons.

"They're on their way!" Misato said, putting down the phone. "Shinji, Rei and Asuka should be here in five minutes…say, where's Ritsuko?"

She looked around the room and was unable to find her. But just then, the doors opened behind her. She turned around and sighed with relief, when she came face to face with…

"Ritsuko! There you are. I was getting worried about you."

"Don't be." She replied. "We've got bigger problems to handle right now."

_(Narrator: This is no ordinary woman. This is Ritsuko Akagi. And to all appearances, she may look like any other NERV Headquarters employee. But Ritsuko Akagi has a secret identity. When trouble strikes, at any time, at any place, she is ready to become… BICYCLE REPAIR WOMAN!)_

…

"Dum, dum, dee, dum." Shinji began humming to himself as he rode on his bike along the road, making his way to NERV. But suddenly, one of his tires burst. Shinji lost control of his bike and fell over onto the pavement.

…

"MISATO! RITSUKO!" Asuka came crashing into the control room, with Rei right behind her. "Shinji's fallen off his bike! He won't be able to make it here!"

"OH, NO!" Misato exclaimed in horror. "Without Shinji, we may not have a chance winning against this Angel!"

"What can we do?" Rei said rather calmly. "Shinji needs help quickly."

Ritsuko sat there, watching how the people around her were in great distress. She saw that something had to be done, and she was the only one who could do it…

"Hmm… this sounds like a job for… Bicycle Repair Woman…" She thought to herself, raising her brow. "But how can I change without revealing my secret identity?"

"Surely there must be someone brave enough to save him!" Said Asuka.

"Hey! Look over there!" Ritsuko shouted, standing up and pointing her finger to the furthest corner of the room. "It's BEAT Takeshi!"

All looked at where Ritsuko was pointing.

_(FLASH!)_

All looked back at Ritsuko; she was nowhere to be found. In her place, they saw somebody else, dressed in a white button shirt, green baggy pants with braces, and holding a black tool box in her hand. They knew immediately who it was, and they felt that their prayers had been answered…

"BICYCLE REPAIR WOMAN!" They gasped. "But how?!"

Bicycle Repair Woman rushed out of the room and made her way out of NERV.

…

While people were evacuating the city, Bicycle Repair Woman had no intention of giving up. She had to fix Shinji's bike before the city would be completely demolished. She marched past several blocks, passing by various people, who began praising her with cheers and shouts.

"Look!" Cried Toji, catching sight of the heroine walking past him. "Is it a stockbroker?"

"Is it a quantity surveyor?" Said Kensuke, lowering his glasses.

"Is it a church warden?" Said Hikari in excitement.

"NO! IT'S BICYCLE REPAIR WOMAN!" They shouted together. "YAAY!!!!! OUR SAVIOR!!!!!"

…

It didn't take long for Bicycle Repair Woman to finally find Shinji and his broken bike. She approached him with care.

"Oh, Bicycle Repair Woman!" Said Shinji, standing on the pavement beside his bike. "Thank goodness you've come! Look what's happened!"

Bicycle Repair Woman looked carefully at the problem and in just a few seconds, snapped her fingers.

"Don't fear! I will fix this!"

_(CLINK!__ SCREW! BEND! INFLATE! ALTER SADDLE!)_

Meanwhile back at NERV Headquarters, everyone was watching Bicycle Repair Woman fix Shinji's bike through their monitor screens.

"Egads!" Makato couldn't believe what he was seeing before his eyes. "It's incredible! It's something I've never seen before!"

"Why, she's mending it with her own hands!" Commented Maya with shock.

"See how she uses a spanner to tighten that nut!" Shigeru pointed at the screen with amazement.

Within no time at all, Shinji's bicycle had been completely repaired, better than new.

"Oh, Bicycle Repair Woman!" Shinji looked at his shiny new bike. "How can I ever repay you?"

"No time for that, now!" She said. "At the moment, you're needed at NERV, don't forget! You better hurry or else that Angel's going to kill us all!"

"You're right!" Shinji jumped onto his bike and started peddling like the wind. "Thank you, Bicycle Repair Woman!"

Bicycle Repair Woman waved goodbye at Shinji until he went out of her sight.

…

Well, the world had been saved once again. The Angel had been destroyed, and everything was back to normal. Asuka, Rei, Shinji, Misato and everyone at NERV began rejoicing.

"Well done, Shinji!" Misato said to him. "You and the others have saved us all again!"

"Don't thank me." He answered. "I really couldn't have done it if it wasn't for… Bicycle Repair Woman. I would have been stranded on the street, waiting for that Angel to crush me."

"Huh?" Asuka rolled her eyes around the room. "Has anybody seen Ritsuko lately?"

Nobody replied, until somebody walked through the opening doors behind them.

"RITSUKO!" Misato yelled quite angrily, even though she was happy to see her friend alive. "Where the hell have you been all this time?"

"Yeah!" Said Asuka. "You missed out on all the good stuff that happened today! Bicycle Repair Woman came and fixed Shinji's bike. And then Rei, Shinji and I kicked that Angel's ass sky high! You should have seen it!"

"Gee, I'm sorry." Ritsuko lightly shrugged and grinned innocently. "I had an urgent call to the Ladies Bathroom… I guess I drank too much during lunch break."

"Well, it's a shame you weren't there to see it all." Shinji said.

"Oh, don't worry." Ritsuko chuckled, taking her seat and sitting back on it. "I guess it's all in a day's work for… Bicycle Repair Woman."

"HOORAY FOR BICYCLE REPAIR WOMAN!" Everyone else shouted. "HIP, HIP, HOORAY! HIP, HIP, HOORAY! HIP, HIP, HOORAY!"

_(Narrator: Yes! Whenever bicycles are broken, flattened by monstrous Angels, or menaced by international communism, Bicycle Repair Woman is ready! Ready to smash the communists off the face of the Earth!)_

…

**_Fin_**


End file.
